Father's Day

Just went back to my JB home to celebrate Father's Day and to spend some time with my family. Nothing special, just another family dinner together in typical Malaysian style. Open-air coffeshop that serves good home-cooked chinese dishes. Just the kind my dad likes best. He dislikes spending money on meals served with protocols a.k.a any glitzy western restaurants.

While still a student, having limited pocket money means I can only buy small gifts for daddy, after all he had a famous tagline whenever I stretched my hands out for money to buy presents for him (my fave ruse for extorting more money), "Your money is my money...", so he never encourage any of his children to buy so say needless presents for him.

My Dad is a big quiet man who only barks and not bites. He was the shield my siblings and I seeked whenever my mom unleashed her whacking moods, he himself suffered one or two of the infamous lashings meant for us while we all crowded behind his broad back.

As I look at dad these days, he, formidable still thanks to his built, seems to be ageing bit by bit in slow-mo before my eyes. White hair crowding out the blacks, sagging cheek bags, sometimes I'd spot him staring mindlessly into the distance - what I call a hollow look. This is most saddening of all, I hate it that his eyes lost that certain shine, like as if the fight is gone.

He looks lonely, I wonder if he truly is. After all, the children have all moved out or starting to. I am always overwhlemed by a certain sense of loss as though I am looking at him with "renewed" eyes. It strikes me quite poignantly that I'm but grown up and all, I have a role to fill up this void my ageing parents are facing in their lives now. Never crossed my mind this is part of adulthood package.

Now that I am busy with my own life and bloody livelihood, with hardly enough time and energy to visit my parents, Dad is very indulgent and attentive to my needs when I do go home. Offering to fetch me from Singapore back to Malaysia, taking me out to eat and fetching me to wherever and whenever I wanted to go. I truly feel bad for not giving enough attention and care my parents deserved.

I think I still did not make enough efforts for my dad this Father's Day *despite all my reflections here*, except to stop him from taking food with high-sugar contents (he's slightly diabetic and I'm obsessed with scrutinising all his food intake). I feel I need more time to adopt and adapt this caregiver role-reversal transition; and the realisation that my dad needs me emotionally is my first big step.

Am saving money now from my meagre paychecks, I hope to bring my family for a holiday to Bangkok by end of this year on my expense this time! I know my dad will love my thoughtfulness though he'll prob admonish me for spending money again. Like all parents.

Ha! To spend money so as to feel and be a grown-up... *struggling with internal conflicts - always happen where moolah is concerned*